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A video leaked to the media on Monday exposed the rampant incompetence of the stage planning committee responsible for the rescheduling of several stages this year. Insiders say that this video was the smoking gun which led to the mass firing of the staff in Geneva Switzerland last week. New TDF corporate spokesperson, Tony Hayward, couldn’t be reached on his yacht for commentary, but it is likely that there will be no further firings until new staff can be hired. TDF has released a statement that the final three stages will be announce in the coming week.

Leaked Video of TDF Stage Planning Committee from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

In an unprecedented shake-up at the Tour de Froth HQ in sunny Geneva Switzerland, Les Spectacle has fired the entire staff of 326 people including “That fucking mailroom guy.” The new corporate spokesperson, Tony Hayward, issued an apology to TDF fans about the cancelled and rescheduled stages stating that the “erratic behavior of the organizing committee has undermined an institution which has defined bicycle racing for over two centuries. We will reschedule and conduct the regular tour schedule in this order: stage 5 oregon to be announced in the next 2 weeks, followed by stage four and then stage three. This will go as smoothly as a precision drilling operation.” Fans of TDF have become restless in recent months at the lack of communication and conflicting messages from the TDF committee. President Les Spectacles commented “If the fans want racing then in addition to feeding them cake, we will give them racing.”

The feared Skunk Hazard of the Colorado stage ran into a problem when the skunk was killed prior to the arrival of the Peloton. “It’s not much of a hazard if the riders just ride by without even noticing.” said Stage Captain Dave Benson. We will probably refund the entire entrance fee to all of the competitors. Stage 2 winner Joshua commented that he noticed the skunk and it looked pretty dead. The Hazard is clearly visible in the Mash-Up video released early today.

2010 TDF Stage Two – Mash-Up from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

Mash-Up

New comer Joshua Martinsons has run away with the second stage of the 2010 Tour de Froth. “Competition could not have been more brutal,” noted TDF historian, Gabriele Susanne Kerneri, “This may be the most notable sporting event of the 21st century. Here we have a regular guy who jumps in without worrying about the risk or the danger to himself rides through the beautiful country side of Colorado and just walks away with the Jersey, or rides away, awkward phrasing sorry…”

Joshua says he’s not a hero, but just ”an ordinary guy who had a dream”.

“I’m not a hero. I’m just a policeman, just an old time cop,” continued joshua. “I’m not a hero, the heroes are over there…” as he motioned in the direction of the frozen foods section of a nearby grocery store. Onlookers were slightly baffled by the gesture.

The TDF Second Stage was also notable for the dramatic second place showing of @BIKEBOY_1 of Melbourne Australia. Stage Captain Dave_Benson commented, “We have a situation where a non-competitor has not only placed but moved up in the overall standings. It doesn’t even make sense. Look, without question we will be petitioning to DQ all Australians preemptively in the next stage. This is ridiculous.”

When asked for commentary on BikeBoy’s controversial finish, Joshua added “I’m not a hero. I think anyone would have done what I did … any bloke would have done it to protect his neighbourhood, I’m just doing my job. I’ll always be doing my job. That’s what I’m here for – to save lives and protect people.” He was welcomed back home by thousands of cheering well orchestrated city employees from the republic of Boulder’s department of citizen pride and self-esteem.

Despite hopping a train to Boulder and spending the entire race sipping latte’s at Amante, crowd favorite @Jerrim failed to make the podium. She joined last years overall Amber Jersey winner, Holger Schlechter, as one of the many non-competitors who failed to finish the race. When asked about the shocking disappointment in @Jerrim’s finish, Stage Captain Dave Benson said “This is normal, if you’re not in the race how can you finish? What the hell kind of question is that? What the hell is the matter with you? We’re cycling here people. This is cycling”

2010 S2 Amber Jersey Winner from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

Tour de Froth Industries Limited based out of Geneva Switzerland is likely to file suit in US federal court Wednesday May 12th over the newly announced Olympic Omnium rules. The Tour de Froth or “Le Tour” as it is known in every country but France, is claiming the the Omnium rules are so convoluted, so arcane, so twisted and so gruesome that they infringe on the pissy beuaucratic niche-brand that le greatest spectacle in racing has become known for. “The Tour de Froth established a proud history of of arbitrarily perverting athletic tradition long before the Olympic committee hired career politicians to obscure the purity of athletic competition.” stated TDF President Les Spectacle. 

“The Omnium now becomes six random events with six disciples running concurrently over two days, with some longer races that use motorized Shriner carts. Why disciples are in the event and what they are disciples of has not been announced. What kind of perverted mind would come up with this? I thought we’d hired all of them, so I’d like the committee to know that we are still hiring.” Mr. Spectacle continued.

The new Ominum format will be run at the world championships and the Olympics, furthermore the committee plans no clarification of whether or not the Omnium will be run at the world cups for the all important qualification points. The committee has stated that the athletes can find out “like everyone else does: on TV during the event.”



According to the new track racing regulations on the UCI’s website the omnium will consist of six events and will be held over two days, in the following order.

1 – Flying Leap (tt)


2 – Points Made (men: some, women: several)


3 – Process of Elimination


4 – Individual Pursuit/Monkey Chase (men: ten minutes, women: twenty minutes)


5 – Laser Tag

6 – Motorized Tourist Trophy tt (short men), (tall women)


The elimination race, also known as “run because the devil is chasing you” sees the last rider across the line taken out of the race based on their moral character. Competitors are objecting to the seemingly subjective points system which include devices such as the “coin flip” and “Crawfish Picks a Square.” Said one potential Olympic competitor who requested anonymity, “I don’t see what any of this has to do with cycling or racing or anything for that matter. Why not just choose several random dudes and send them pedaling off to the mall on Huffys and call that the Omnium? Or how about having professionally trained athletes chase some monkeys on bikes around the track? That would be equally insulting.” The UCI says it will take these suggestions into consideration in the new format.

Flanked by lawyers, Spectacle continued, “This blatant disregard for the efforts of dedicated athletes around the world cannot go unchallenged… blatant disregard is our job and the Olympic committee is cutting into our bread and butter. We created the greatest international cycling competition and these johnny-come-lately pretenders like the Olympics are trying to horn in on our turf.”

Competitors during the Arizona first stage of 2010 Tour de Froth became alarmed when a fan showed up along the route waving cowbells. “We’d read about the ‘screaming in French’ and ‘waving of foam-hands’ from previous years, so I think that we were all terrified that this was the beginning of the infamous Congo Line Hazard. (CLH™)” exclaimed competitor Larry Hendon. The “Congo Line Hazard” is a ten mile gauntlet of frenchmen dressed in disco clothing waving rubber chickens. This hazard inspires dread among TDF competitors world-wide. “It’s the primary reason that Felice Gimondi dropped out of the 1968 TDF Stage Three, well that and the balloons.” noted TDF historian, Gabriele Susanne Kerneri.

“Look, TDF Stage One didn’t feature the CLH™ because we blew our budget on stray dogs and double wide gravel trailers,” commented Stage One Captain Sean Mellor, “… if Tour de Froth headquarters want us to truck a bunch of damn Frenchmen all the way out into the Arizona desert, then those fat cats in sunny Geneva Switzerland are going to have to shell out a few more bucks for the Stage Budget.”

While many United States based cycling events feature the riders in bizarre costume or various stages of undress, the Tour de Froth is known for is adherence to the ridiculous looking spandex competitive riding apparel also seen in lesser known events such as the Tour de France, Giro d’Italia and Vuelta a España. Another difference between the Tour de Froth and these less challenging races and is that froth fans will usually show up dressed in ludicrous garb mixing a variety of social trends, for example Mardigras and Disco, Circus Clowns and Golfing Pros, Pirates and Bankers, Pirates and Senators, or Pirates and Congresspersons and so forth. Many froth fans claim that this is something about the “duality of man.”

The Tour de Froth is the most well regarded bicycling race in the world because of it’s action packed hazards, brutal physical challenges, Caltech-degreed podium girls and prodigious set of regulations. Most teams employ a gaggle of lawyers in order to secure a legally sound victory. Riders are gearing up for “Cyclone,” the brutal Stage 2. Follow them on May 22nd.

Fear: Cycling Hazards from Les Spectacle on Vimeo.

The full results are yet to be certified by the TDF judges due to litigation by almost every contestant, however one thing is clear; Jerry Manley has handed a crushing defeat to the entire field including the 2009 Amber Jersey holder, Holger Schlechter who ended with a disappointing 4th place. Jerri’s ride was punctuated with Ferrari like finesse through the wild dog hazard, as well as on the construction zone hazard, handing her the victory by a historic margin. Organizers are saying that the full results will be in by Friday afternoon. One of the main points of contention being that @bikeboy_1 has been reported to have secured 3rd place while riding drunk on a bicycle trainer at his flat in Australia.

Riders expressed disappointment with the organizer of the Tour de Froth when the USADA imposed last minute doping controls before the start of the 2010 Tour de Froth Stage 1. “You explain this to the Shriners that they can’t do an encore performance before the start of the race.” shouted Tour de Froth president, Les Spectacle, before getting into a limo to speed off to the exclusive tempe Shalimar Country club for a 9:00am tee time.

TDF competitors grumble after USADA announced last minute mandatory doping controls.

Geneva Switzerland. A rampaging bear consumed 72.5% of le Tour de Froth IT Staff today in a horrific scene that was described by witnesses as “horrific.” Unfortunately today was the scheduled launch of a new website for the premier cycle racing event, and all IT staff members were on hand at the time of the bear attack. “This was supposed to be a celebration,” said Tour de Froth President, Les Spectacle, “instead it was a gruesome and cruel underutilization of staff efforts and resources.” Although the site still was launched, it was delayed by several hours for clean up efforts. Newly nicknamed IT Admin, Lefty Sinclair, launched the site at 9:30 PST with an appropriate tribute to the fallen IT staff. “They may be eaten, but they are not forgotten.” Investigators are still trying to determine how the bear managed to get up to the 10th floor  and into the key-pass protected secure server room.

Applications for the 2010 Tour de Froth opened today and we haven’t seen this much enthusiasm since we recently attended a book signing. The 2010 Stages have been announced and the pain is in the air.

STAGE ONE: “Tempest” – April 24th
Tempe, AZ – 40 brutal miles

STAGE TWO: “Cyclone” – May date TBD
Boulder/Ft Collins CO – 50 crushing miles

STAGE THREE: “The Irishman” – June date TBD
Location still TBD

STAGE FOUR: “The Twister ” – July date TBD
Napa Valley, CA (Or alternate CA local TBA)- 40 grueling miles

STAGE FIVE: “Leo’s Whirlwind ” – August 21st
Ocean Park, Washington – Canon Beach Loop, OR – 50 cakewalk miles

The final preparations and back room deals are being made in the needlessly bureaucratic and bribe laden stage selection process. In a brief interview at the airport in Burbank California, Les Spectacle, Tour de Froth President, noted that this would be a banner year for arm twisting and influence peddling that would “put to shame” other professional sports. “Amateurs,” noted Les. “Tour de Froth can wrangle backroom deals like no other sporting event committee on earth. We put them to shame.” He followed up with an uncharacteristic fist pump in the air after adjusting his ascot and monocle. Thus far stages have been set for Tempe Arizona, Heidelberg, Germany and Portland, Oregon. “We’re looking at California, Colorado and Illinois for the selection of the final two stages and right now we’re we’re weighing the advantages and opportunities for complimentary accommodations and free pretzels.” Les waved off further questions before climbing aboard the Tour de Froth private jet to return to sunny Geneva Switzerland.

In a move sure to offend and delight, Les Spectacle, Tour de Froth President, gave the green light today to the inclusion of Podium Girls in the 2010 Tour de Froth. When asked if this would create an issue if women won individual stages or even the overall Tour, Les responded: “I’m wearing a monocle… do I look like I belong in this century?”

Holger Schlechter of Affaltrach Gemany has won the 2009 Tour de Froth with an amazing last minute surge through the legal system.

Holger landed at the top of the points board when he opted out of the fifth stage ten mile bonus sprint, completed only by Werner Schmidt and Austen Angell. Moments after completing the crushing final climb along the Oregon Coast both Werner and Austen were disqualified thus clinching the fifth stage win and the overall tour for Holger. Stated competitor Werner after hearing the disappointing news: “The rules committee has a bratwurst in the head, they are the ones who should be checked for doping.” What is most remarkable about his win is that Holger only just barely beat out competitor Dean Cowherd, 3rd stage winner, who during the “frosty” stage held in Santa Cruz, completed only 5 miles of the required 220 miles for the total tour. Holger stated during the competition that if he won he intended to give away the prize money to charity so of course he was gravely disappointed to find there was no prize money to give away.

One week before the 2009 Tour de Froth winner announcement, TDF President Les Spectacle may have ignited the slow fuse to next year’s edition by congratulating the as yet unnamed winner for his tactics during this year’s event. Spectacle commented on the fact “the winner” disobeyed team orders during the fifth stage, when he wore a cape of many colors. This coincided with an unauthorized song and dance routine that left spectators standing in the aisles and other competitors vexed and frustrated. Although other riders played down the episode in the moments after the stage finish, by Tour’s end it was apparent that next years event would involve an even greater level of legal wrangling and advanced mathematics. A rider who asked to speak off record quipped, “They haven’t banned capes yet? That’s so nineties.”