Rules & Regulations

GENERAL

1.0: WARNING: Racing is a grueling and pointlessly brutal experience. You will be exposed to extreme temperatures; Noise; Dogs; Bears: Foam Hats; Malcontents; Miscreants; etc.

1.1: Organizer Decisions: Organizer’s decisions are final. If you don’t like it, please organize your own race.

1.2: Crappy Bikes: At the scrutineer’s sole discretion, “Shite” [sic] crappy bicycles will be welded into highbikes, and you will be disqualified.

1.3: Refunds and Compensation for Loss: None. Whiners will be disqualified.

1.4: Whining: Disqualified

1.5: Ridiculous riding apparel: Surprisingly, as with with most bicycling events, this is not a problem.

1.6: Owning the Shout: At the end of each stage, the slowest rider owns the shout unless another rider is disqualified. The first disqualified rider owns the first shout. Any other disqualified racers will also own a shout. The shout is gonna cost you. If you don’t know what a shout is then you’re disqualified and it’s your shout.

1.7: Crying: Disqualified

1.8: Winners and Prizes: The rider with the lowest total stage time wins, unless he or she is more than 120 seconds ahead of second place in which case they are disqualified for the stage. The winner is then the second place rider unless they are 120 seconds ahead of the next rider. You can see where this is going. If by some oversight on the organizers’ part you win a stage, you’ll be disappointed to find that there are no prizes. The winner receives nada. At the end of the stage all rider will place their names in a hat. If the rider with the lowest stage time is not drawn then the they are disqualified and and the rider whose name is drawn out of the hat claims the stage win. The winner of fifth stage also can disqualify the other four stage winners and claim the over all tour championship.

1.9: Right of Publicity: All imagery of the race and the riders and their bikes will be used in any way that the organizers see fit. (Including but not limited to television, internet, magazines, newsprint, television, radio, twitter, facebook, myspace, billboards, milk cartons and so forth.) There will be no compensation.

ELIGIBILITY

2.0: Equipment Eligibility: Entry limited to bicycles. No tricycles, unicycles or Shriner go-carts. Some special dispensation may be awarded for riders of oxen.

2.1: Oxen: no oxen.

2.2: Rider Eligibility: All riders must be be over 18 years of age and able to complete an inordinately complex series of differential equations contained in the entrance examination.

2.3: No Passengers Allowed: Why would you consider this? Having passengers will get you disqualified.

TBD:

3.0: TBD – More regulations to come!

TBD:

4.0: TBD – More regulations to come!

ELIGIBILITY

5.1: Definition of Team: Each team must consist of no more than four riders.

5.2: Teams: There are no teams, riders entering as a team will be disqualified.

5.3: Sag Wagons/ Rest Stop: No. None. Zip. Bring a tire kit and organize your own damn banana stand. Whine about it and you will be disqualified.

HAZARDS

6.0: Sweet jumps: When encountering sweet jumps cyclists are encouraged to freestyle their roadbikes.

6.1: Bears: Along the route, bears will be released from time to time. Any rider torn apart is disqualified.

6.2: Long scary bridges: see crying regulation.

6.3: Spectators: Please understand that these people are the enemy and should not be provided aid or comfort.

DISQUALIFICATION

7.1: This is virtually impossible.